You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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