The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize