Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
