Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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