The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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