I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
