The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
