U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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