Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
