I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
