wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
