Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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