u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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