She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
