my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
