ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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