Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
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Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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