i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Found your dick twin last night
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
