I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
