Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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