So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
