I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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