Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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