he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.