man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
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When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
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Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover