last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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