is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
