I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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