Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
