ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
