i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
