I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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