I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
