make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
