Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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