she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
