Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
