Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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