I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
