can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
