Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
