My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
