Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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