Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
