I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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