This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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