When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
