turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
