butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Found your dick twin last night
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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