??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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