I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
