if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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