david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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