the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
