John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
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she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
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They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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