i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
