I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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