I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
