I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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