I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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