2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
