I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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