does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
