theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
