I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
