Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
